From Serial Dater to Serial Killer: How Murder Kept Me Skinny
by TheShulesLovinPsycho
Summary: This compelling story by Mr. Yang, as the author calls herself, explains the heroic tale of a psychic and a serial killer. This fascinating adventure all started when the psychic, named Shawn got called in on a very special case. And that's where the fun began! (Rated T 'cause I'm not sure what the rest is going to be like, Shules)
1. Chapter 1

Foreword by Detective Juliet O'Hara:

Okay, so I really don't know why I'm writing this. It might have something to do with the fact that the author of this book, also known as the serial killer Mr. Yang, threatened to kill my boyfriend Shawn from her cell in the mental asylum. And, while at times my boyfriend is a bit… How do I put this? Annoying? Disturbing? A pain in the ass? Well, regardless, I'd still rather have a perfectly intact boyfriend for Christmas. But I digress.

Now, I don't really have much time to write this, seeing as mental asylum patients only get an hour of visiting time, which is why I will just explain why a patient from the _loony bin_, as Shawn likes to call it, is writing a book about her adventures in which she killed innocent people and played a sick game with my boyfriend, who you will learn more about in this book. So, I'm sure there was some sort of tragic backstory, in which Yang will explain how she had a terrible life because her father was a murderer, like her, but I really don't think that that justifies killing people, playing games with the police, and almost murdering my boyfriend in the process. Now, I understand that Yang hadn't had the easiest of lives, but did she really have to become a serial killer? Anyway, I guess I'm getting off topic.

The truth is, I honestly have no clue what to write in this. I'm a cop, okay? I've never written a foreword for a book written by a serial killer. But I'll give you one piece of advice: if you really value your sanity, don't read the rest of this book. Seriously. I still have nightmares.

Don't say I didn't warn you!  
-Juliet O'Hara

* * *

Chapter 1: The beginning

Hi everyone, I'm Yang, the main character in this story. This isn't really a chapter, it's more like an intro to the story, so you're not too confused.

Anyhoo, I'd like to show you guys how I came into existence. Mr. Yang, I mean, not _me. _That would just be weird. Imagining my daddy doing that with that bitch who I have to call mom… Ew! But anyways, it was a cold winter day, and I was only 4 when Daddy stabbed my mother to death. I remember it so clearly. It was amazing! The wildness in his eyes, the ease in which he brought the knife down, over and over and over. I loved it. And, the first time I saw the Yin/Yang symbol, well, let me just tell you, I was in _heaven_! I mean, heaven like funnel cake with extra whipped cream and strawberries heaven. It was sheer bliss.

I travelled the world with Daddy (well, not really the world, just California- but doesn't that sound more dramatic?) and he taught me everything I needed to know about killing, killing, and killing. Not to mention the poetry that we made together- amazing! So, anyway, that's how I became Mr. Yang.

Liking the story so far? Okay, I guess it's been a bit bland, but I promise you, I will get to the good stuff! Like (Spoiler alert!) the parts with Shawnie, and his amazing cheekbones that you just wanna pinch the life out of, or his best friend Gussie, always laughing on the outside, crying on the inside, the fastidious wrinkle on the brow of Psych. Oh, and that reminds me, I forgot to tell you guys about Shawnie and Gussie! Well, I guess we'll just have to start there! Have fun reading!

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**I had always thought of what the book Yang had written would be like. After a while, I finally decided to write it, and, because the first chapter and foreword were so short, I decided to put them all into the same chapter. I promise, the rest of the book gets a lot more interesting. Oh, and, by the way, one discrepancy I noticed after I read it- Shawn and Jules aren't supposed to be together when Yang writes the book. I decided to leave it there because I just love Shules, so... Yeah... Anyways, review! Pretty please, with a pineapple on top?**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The beginning of the beginning (I wanted to call this the beginning, but the last chapter was called the beginning, so I'm calling it the beginning of the beginning. Maybe if I can't think of anything else the next chapter will be called the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. But I digress)

Yang opened the car door. She knew that that little boy would be riding through then, she had memorized his schedule. Shawnie was his name. Shawn Henry Spencer. She smiled slyly as she pulled out some of the groceries. Without turning around, she called over her shoulder,

"Hey, little boy, would you mind helping me with these groceries? They're much too heavy for an old lady like me!"

Yang watched through her rearview mirror as Shawn braked, grinning, and jumped off his bike.

"Sure!" he said with childlike eagerness that made Yang want to pinch those chubby little cheeks until the life drained out of him (Oh, did I already mention this? Silly me!).

You see, to Yang, Shawnie was more than just a boy. She was in love with him. That thick-tufted boy genius who ice skates through life on polished blades of snarky eloquence. (Okay, so perhaps I'm being a bit overly dramatic here, but honestly- just look at that hair! And that warm, lovely, caring smile. I feel soooo jealous of his precious little Jules. She gets to kiss him and I don't. See that person, right in the corner of your vision while you read this book, pouting and holding a knife? That's me.)

"So, Shawn," said Yang after he had helped her put away the groceries. "How's your school going?"

Shawn was about to reply when he suddenly paused. "How did you know my name?"

Rule 1 of the Serial Killer Handbook: Never let your prey know that it's prey before you want it to. "Oh, I heard your mom call you that once when I was walking by your house and she was calling you in for dinner."

It was a partial truth; what she didn't tell him was that, when she had heard Madeleine call Shawn in, she had been crouched in the bushes with a pair of binoculars, scoping out the family. She knew everything about Shawn- from the tests his father made him take to his best friend, Gus. Ah, Gus. The nerd who kept fun-loving, crazy Shawn under control, like the Yin to his Yang, with eyes of a crazed rhinocerous and skin of pure, cocoa velvetiness. She longed to touch that smooth, brown skin, to rip it from his body and use it to make children's dolls.

"School's been going fine, I guess. I still think my teacher is insane, though."

Yang wanted to laugh at his childish use of the word 'insane'. If he thought frail old Mrs. Rothbach was insane, boy, he ain't seen nothing yet!

The two made small talk for a few minutes before Shawn glanced at his watch- Timex Sport Ironman watch, she knew from having looked it up a few months ago out of curiosity- and said, "I should probably go home and eat dinner, my mom's probably going crazy trying to find me."

Inwardly, Yang suppressed a chuckle. She'd show him crazy. Both said their goodbyes and Shawn left, leaving Yang staring after the seven year old and grinning like an idiot- or, an insane serial killer, whichever you prefer. Shawn Henry Spencer. Her most handsome, brilliant, formidable foe yet.

* * *

26 Years Later

Yang watched Shawn and Gus bicker from her position a few tables away, a newspaper hiding her face. It was one of the oldest tricks in the book, but also one of the most subtle. She'd have to tell Daddy about this when she got home.

"Shawn, it's 12:30!"

She was drawn out of her thoughts by her opponent/crush's name being spoken aloud, and looked over to see Shawn flirting with the waitress. She had seen him pull the same trick several times before, and actually found it rather cute. She grinned into the paper as Gus, annoyed, excused himself from the table as Shawn and the pretty waitress continued to talk. Behind the newspaper, she sent a text to her Dad. Phase 1 of Operation Figure-Out-Who-To-Kill was complete. She zoned out again as Shawn jokingly told the waitress to marry him and, started to come up with a riddle to give to the cops, as she usually did. But this time, it would be fun. She'd always loved rhyming! Let's see… Maybe she could talk about the food the waitress served. Cereal. There was a fun food if ever Yang had seen one. She loved how easily it was mistaken with the word serial. Serial Killer. Cereal Killer. Yang giggled to herself as the waitress walked away and Gus returned to the table.

"Let me guess," said Gus with a self-satisfied smirk. "She's considering your proposal of marriage."

"How could you possibly know that?" asked Shawn incredulously. Yang loved it when Shawn played dumb.

"Shawn, you use that same tight-ass routine on every other waitress that serves us!"

Once more, the two started to bicker, and Yang tuned out their conversation again, refining the rhyme that had popped into her head. "She serves the psychic well today, whose soldiers wait to die." Yes, die in Shawn's ever-capable mouth. But no, psychic seemed too obvious and blatant. How about… The General. Yes, that could work. Her attention turned back to Shawn as he pulled out his phone. This was bound to get interesting.

"Who're you calling? Juliet? That routine is nearly as tired as the waitress bit." She almost wanted to squeal with excitement. She would love to see Juliet and Shawnie get together. But no, she could tell by the look in Shawn's eyes that he wasn't calling Juliet. What was this?

Shawn held up one finger as he held the phone to his ear.

"Hello? Abigail Lytar?"

Yang grinned. Abigail! Of course. She should have known.

"Is that really Abigail?" asked Gus. Clearly, he was as surprised as she was that Shawn had finally decided to make a move.

"Look, clearly, we left some loose ends at our high school reunion. So, I was thinking, maybe, we should get together sometime."

Shawn paused for a moment as Abigail answered. "Oh, I don't know, maybe because the last time I saw you, we kissed, for, like, twenty-seven seconds!"

Yang smiled into the newspaper. 34, actually. She had been counting.

"Look, Abigail, what's happening here is, I'm asking you out on a proper date."

Yang almost wanted to dance with joy. Shawn was just so cute sometimes!

"Pick you up at seven. I'll be the one flaring my nostrils uncontrollably."

She imagined Abigail's quiet giggle as Shawn hung up. She felt a wave of jealousy wash over her, then pushed it back. She couldn't think of that right now- Now, she had work to do. She waited a good five minutes after Shawn and Gus had left before leaving her table as well. From her calculations, he would be heading to the police station now in Gus's car, the Blueberry. The fun was about to begin.

* * *

**Author's Note: So... Hope this was a bit more interesting... By the way, I am not really sure where I'm going with this- I just got bored one day and posted it but this is one of the fics I have where I actually have no clue whatsoever what I'm going to do with it. So if anyone has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them. Review please!**


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